i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
