he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
