Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
