I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
