I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just had sex bonerless
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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