The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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