new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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