Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
