come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
