I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
