ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
