Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Welp...herpes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
