Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
