I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize