I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
