happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
