Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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