then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize