Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
