Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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