My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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