It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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