i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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