i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize