I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
