Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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