Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
