Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone signed my nipple.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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