someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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