When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I am one with the molecules
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize