I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
