u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
