I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
