I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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