I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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