so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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