...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
