I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
