yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
