How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
