i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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