Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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