farters have to be the big spoon...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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