I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
