The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wear drunk well.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
