The maid of honor just puked.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
