I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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