Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize