I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
