Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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