I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize