I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
