I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
