I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
