My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
