She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
