sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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