I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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