It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
