the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
